December Blues
It is almost comical, then, when I walk into a stranger, with his head down as well, looking quite like he’d rather be anywhere but here.
“Raiden holds the door open for me and it's only when I step out into the unbearing cold and the never-ending night, that I realize just what is happening. Ceseliah’s older brother just offered me a ride home. He has a car. And he’s kind. And he has a kitten.”
The sky is not quite blue today. No, today it is frosted gray: hints of a pale, pale blue slipping through the glassy, cold sky. It makes me want to fly, fall back into the clouds and never-ending gray. Instead, I am here, sitting at the old coffee shop, my fingers numb and my face frozen.
December has always been my favorite month of the year. It is the coldest, most merciless season of the year and yet when the hearth is warmest. It is my first year celebrating the holidays away from my family. In fact, I am celebrating this year’s festivities alone.
I do not mind. Or at least, that is what I am telling myself. It is hard to be alone on all sides, but I keep finding small things to make me happy. Making cinnamon buns in the morning, visiting the small bookshop after work, getting coffee when my heart needs the extra few beats. That is what got me here.
The coffee shop is small, at the corner of the street with warm lights and a homey interior. The owner, Hallah, is one of my favorite people in the entire city. Despite having never married, she is the most lively bundle of joy I have ever met, with her warm smile and crinkled eyes. She can light up anyone, even me.
Rubbing my fingers together, I take a sip of the hot mocha, letting it burn its way down my throat. I hadn’t planned to come here today, but I suppose I needed it. Work wasn’t easy today, and it is hard going back to my apartment knowing that no one will be there.
So instead I go to the coffee shop, or the river bridge, or the bookstore.
Draining the rest of my drink and leaving as much of a tip I can afford for Hallah, I stand. Pulling the scarf closer to me and rubbing my fingers together, I set off toward my apartment. I don’t have a car, which isn’t hard to overcome in Connecticut, but it does make things ridiculously annoying in the winter. If I don’t take the bus, I have to walk to work and home, even if the sky dims and the stars come out.
Tonight is no exception. It is cold and the sun is setting. I force my numb feet to walk faster as I keep my head down and try avoiding catching the eye of anyone walking by.
It is almost comical, then, when I walk into a stranger, with his head down as well, looking quite like he’d rather be anywhere but here.
“Sorry,” I murmur quickly. The man is young, perhaps only a few years older than me. He is also tall, maybe four inches taller than me, with dark hair and regretful eyes. He doesn’t say much, but I can sense the apology, so I gather my bearings and give him a quick nod.
Breathing a sigh once he is out of sight, I turn a sharp corner towards the apartments. I all but sprint my way up concrete stairs and into the halls. I don’t really relax until I’m safe in the elevator, alone. My fingers scrambling just a little, I hit level 13 and lean back.
My apartment isn’t the biggest one, but it’s nice enough, with tall off-white walls and a big window that shows you half of Connecticut. I picked it for the view and the lovely kitchen, and right now I could kiss myself for it. The sunset is beautiful and the kitchen still smells warm and sweet from the cinnamon buns I made in the morning. My cat, Lele, lopes around at my feet and I throw down my bags and coat.
I feel a little better, with the snow falling and the sun setting, so I grab a few things from the fridge and put together a homey meal. Some butternut squash for a soup and homemade bread that Hallah made me a few days ago. Chopping vegetables and stirring soups warms my cold fingers and puts a smile on my face, especially once I start playing some soft piano jazz.
In no time I’m sitting at my counter on a cushioned barstool, a warm meal before me and Lele purring in my lap. I pull my laptop up to set up a quick show and dig into the food, applauding myself for all those years spent learning how to cook with my mom. I spend the rest of the slow night unwinding, checking my texts and washing my hair.
Most of my old friends from UCLA stayed in California, or went to grad school. Almost none of them are anywhere near Connecticut, but Ceseliah had come to Connecticut to visit her brother through the holidays and wanted to meet up with me. I told her I was up for anything she wanted, so she invited me to her brother’s house for dinner tomorrow. I can’t say I wouldn’t rather sit at home with Lele and watch a Christmas movie, but my therapist said I needed to be more open to new people.
As mental preparation, I took a long shower, dried my hair, curled up on the couch, and played a fun podcast while reading one of my new favorite fantasies. It was hard not to smile, sitting here in my nice, warm apartment with Lele in my lap and a nice book in my hands. Everything almost felt right.
The job isn’t easy, but it makes me happy nonetheless. My parents hadn’t shown any support when I decided to be a nurse, and I knew they had secretly hoped I wouldn’t carry it through, but I like my profession. I like it less now, because I have to flipping get up at six every morning–
I snatch a brush before raking it through my warm chestnut hair, catching on knots and tangles. I do not want to be awake right now. I accidentally stayed up last night reading, and now I was paying the price. Not that I regret it, I think with a small smile, before brushing my teeth quickly and tying my hair up. I throw on a clean scrub and pull on a warm coat and scarf. Surviving cold Decembers in Connecticut might be my new hobby, because I have three different coats and five different holiday scarves, each with cute patterns and fringes.
I’m too lazy to make coffee today, so I stop by at Hallah’s for a quickly caffeine shot before skidding into the hospital parking lot, making it just on time. I like to be early, maybe twenty minutes early, but today is an exception. I can’t seem to keep my eyes open today, and my coworkers can tell.
“Are you okay?” Jesmine’s words are kind but she says them like an insult. She can be like that, though. It is actually kind of scary how nice this prickly person can be to patients compared to this social porcupine standing before me.
“Yeah, fine. Just tired.” I mutter quickly, hiding my smile. Jesmine doesn’t like the holidays, says they make people soft and too joyful. Nell and I had argued with her for hours about it and with nothing to show for it. But, despite all our disputes, Jesmine and Nell have been two of the best people I’ve met in Connecticut.
“Sure.” Jesmine gloves up her hands before helping me to do the same. “You could pass for the walking dead, you know.” Her words make me smile just a little, which is good. I need a little more smile on the job some days.
Nothing exceptionally bad happens at work today, which is good. And I brought my new sweater to change into at the end of shift, so I feel good when I walk out of the hospital with Nell. Well, as good as can be after a 12-hour shift.
“Do you know where Jess ran off to?” I ask, if only to fill the silence. Nell has always been nicer, sweeter, softer than Jesmine, perfect as a nurse, and even better as a confident. And she’s known Jess longer than I, so I assume she knows where the red-head is off to.
“Met a guy at the bar a few nights ago. I think she’s still out with him.” Nell throws me a smug grin, though it looks closer to a bunny grin on her face, with her strawberry blond hair and wide eyes. She is much too cute for a menace like Jesmine, I think.
“Ah. Actually gonna stick or is she still bouncing around?” Jesmine hasn’t been able to commit to any guy for the past year I’ve been here, and according to Nell, the past five years before that. I can’t blame her, though. She’s had a tough run through college and the job isn’t exactly relaxing. She deserves something loose and fun after.
“Hmm.” Nell pauses in front of her car, fingering her keys through her thumb. “Maybe. Sounded pretty good when she talked about him last night.” She gives me a short good-bye after that and ducks into her car. I walk away, heading up to my own car, but I can’t help but feel a little jealous. Jess has got a new guy, Nell is going home to her roomate, and I… I’m going to an awkward get together with an old friend and an unknown brother, before going to a cold, empty apartment.
I shake it off, make myself rethink everything. I’m going to a sweet friend’s for a good dinner and will finish the night with a tub of ice cream and warm hugs from Lele. It’s going to be good. I’m going to be good, even if things aren’t completely perfect or good. Yet.
Ceseliah has always had a style. Cute, frilly, almost princess cottage-core vibes. But this townhouse? Nothing of the sort. It is gray and white and black. Clean, organized, the polar opposite of the warm girl I remember from college. In fact, this isn’t the girl from college. Just as I think I must have the wrong address, I remember she’s been living at her brother’s, who clearly must be her opposite.
Pushing away any social anxiety creeping up on me, I ring the doorbell before I can bail out and try calling Cese. I hear a jumble of voices, an annoyed shout, and finally some footsteps.
Ceseliah looks the same she did a year ago, pretty brown-black hair that falls in shiny waves, a small frame and doe-y eyes. The look in her eyes tells me she isn’t the same though. She looks tougher, older, infinitely more mature. A good thing and a bad thing. She’s done meaningful things in her life, but it has taken its toll.
“Rosalyn!” Her nutty brown eyes light up when they meet mine, reaching out immediately to wrap me in a warm hug. “Oh, I haven’t seen you in so long! Come in, come in.”
She takes my coat, hanging it up and leading me through the house. It is aa white and organized as it is from the outside. Clean, tidy, so very not-Ceseliah. I drink the sight in, thinking how many arguments Cese and her brother must have gotten in. I smile at that, thinking back at how my younger sister and I would argue. She was all grunge and sharp, bright colors and too much metal.
“This is…” The words escape my mouth before I can give a second thought. Cese smiles.
“I know, I know. I had the same reaction. You know, we always argued in the house, me being messy or whatever and him being all germaphobic and clean. Anyways, feel free to judge, none of it is my stuff anyways.” She talks as she leads me through the halls before finally making it to a living room, just as austere as the rest of the house. The kitchen is being used though, and it smells divine. A man, with dark locks and a lean figure is standing over a pan, cooking something. A familiar man.
“Oh, hey,” he says, looking up while still keeping a hand on the handle of the pan. “Raiden.” It clicks in my head, finally. He’s dressed differently, more casual in a v-neck sweater with a white collar, paired with loose trousers. The same man though– last night, the guy I accidentally ran into.
“You’re-” I stand straighter, pointing at him. “That guy, oh, I ran into you last night.” His eyes squint, focusing on me. He must not have looked at me as much as I did him. Finally, Raiden gives a slow nod.
“You’ve met?” Cese squints her eyes at her brother before giving a quick nonchalant shrug. “You know what? I don’t really care. Come on, I’ll set the table if you want to pour some drinks.” I follow Cese to the large, clean kitchen. Well, it looks as though it had been clean. I can see the small spots where Ceseliah has left her trace; a small splatter of oil, a spoon left on the counter, used pans and pots left near the sink.
I stare at the rows of cabinets and drawers, biting my lip slightly. I hesitate, watching Ceseliah for a second. Drinks, I’m supposed to get drinks. I think, So where are they?
“Second cabinet from the right. Glasses are the next one over.” Raiden says over his shoulder, still stirring something in the pan. A sigh of relief falls out of me and I quickly grab two bottles of sparkling cider and a bottle of wine.
In less than ten minutes, we’re all seated at a round table in the dining room, digging into the food. It’s amazing, probably better than whatever I would have made for dinner. The meal is nothing if a little awkward, mostly consisting of listening to Cese’s rambles, but hours go on nonetheless. She moved to New York, which is closer to Connecticut than all my other friends. The initial cause was for her job as an actor, but when her first role was postponed, she decided to move in with her brother for a few months.
“Without my consent,” Raiden mutters under his breath, forking some pasta. I smile a little, remembering my skirmishes with my sister.
“Oh shut up, you would never leave your darling sister hanging.” Cese gives him a knowing smirk, swatting his arm. He hides a smile, but Cese must know she’s already won because she leans back.
“So, Roxy…” Ceseliah leans in, eyeing me and wiggling her eyebrows. I try to hide my smile. When Rayabelle, my younger sister, was too young to pronounce my name or Ross, she’d called me Roxy, and that name had just stuck.
“Mmm?”
“What have you been up to? New friends? How’s the job? Any guys?” The words tumble out and I laugh a little when Raiden frowns and leans back in his chair, crossing his arms.
“The job has been good. I love being a nurse just as much as I did back at school. And no, no guys, a few friends though.” Cese rolls her eyes in disappointment before grabbing her plate and stacking it on top of Raiden’s.
“Come on, I have something for you. Rai, clean this up.” Cese’s brother glares at her in a way that says in your dreams. I smother a grin before following Cese out of the room and up the stairs. I know I shouldn’t be surprised, but the upstairs is just as organized and clean. White and pristine. It is almost like a psych ward, though I suppose it might just be.
Cese is already out of my sight, so I have to follow the soft padding of her feet to find her in what must be the guest bedroom. It has her name written all over it; the colorful clothing on the bed to the books scattered on the desk. I quickly follow her into the room to find her beaming at me with a small box in her hands.
Except I’m not looking at her box. I’m looking at the pretty little calico kitten sitting on her bed.
“You brought your cat with you? Since when did you have a kitten?” I feel a little bad for ignoring her obviously well-planned present but I lean in to rub the kitten’s face, cooing at the cat as she rolled on Cese’s bed.
“What? No, no, I’m a dog person. That’s Rai’s cat, uh, Azzy I think it was?” Cese frowns and little but when I turn to her and take the gift from her hands. It’s a pretty gold leafed necklace that I think I might’ve mentioned in college. I smile and hug her. God, who is this man? Quiet, gentle, funny… and he has a cat. I don’t want to think about him. Hell, he’s one of my best friends’ brothers. This is the kind of tragic story from books that never ends well.
Blindly, I take the kitten in my hands tenderly, cradling Azzy close to me. She’d get along so well with Lele, I already know it. Not that they’d ever get the chance to meet. Or will they?
I take the gift in my other hand as we make our way back downstairs, where Rai has, in fact, cleaned the table and started on the dishes. He looks up when we enter, rolling his eyes at his sister. He squints at me a little when he sees Azzy in my hands, but I just smile.
“Well, you warmed up to her fast.” Raiden looks nothing if a little taken aback, but smiles nonetheless.
“I have a cat too, uhm, back at home. Azzy is really sweet though.” I stroke the kitten’s fur, smiling into her. Cese gives me a look, before handing me a smug grin and taking the dishes out of Raiden’s hands. She gets up on her toes to whisper something in her brother’s ears, to which he frowns.
He dries off his hands and as he makes his way towards me to scratch Azzy’s scruff his frown only deepens. It makes him look sad and solemn in a way I have never seen on anyone., It’s heartbreaking and beautiful and intrigues me far too much to be healthy.
I let Azzy down on the couch and sit down on the soft gray thing, offering Raiden a seat beside me.
“How long have you lived here?” I don’t know quite what part of me thought it’d be a good idea to start interrogating my friend’s older brother, but I can’t help myself. “I mean in New Haven.”
“Almost a year and a half. Moved here after grad school to work. You?” Raiden strokes Azzy dusty white fur and doesn’t look up at me.
“Like half a year. Came to work in the hospital. And escape my family a little.” He smiles at that, even though he still isn’t looking at me. I crane my neck to squint a little at Ceseliah, seeing her drag things out and put the dishes away. “I should really be clocking out, work starts early tomorrow.” I give Azzy one last scratch to her head and stand up. I pause. Sit back down. Fuuuuuck.
“What’s wrong?” Raiden is seriously confused now, watching me glitch out. I run a hand through my hair, catching at the knots of warm brown at the ends.
“I got here on the shuttle, but I-”
“I can drop you off.” I blink, but he’s already set Azzy aside and stood up. I blink again and he’s grabbed his keys from the counter and gone to tell Cese something.
“Yeah, sure. Oh, and get me some holiday cards while you’re out.” She’s scrolling her phone, barely paying any attention to her brother. But I catch her smirk when she sends it my way. I grab my things as I watch Raiden slip on his shoes and grab a coat. I scramble my way over ungracefully, of course, and twist my way into my shoes. Flinging my coat on, I grab my bag and shove Cese’s gift into the brown leather abyss.
Raiden holds the door open for me and it's only when I step out into the unbearing cold and the never-ending night, that I realize just what is happening. Ceseliah’s older brother just offered me a ride home. He has a car. And he’s kind. And he has a kitten.
I push any thoughts away and follow Rai slowly, settling in the passenger seat when he opens the door for me.
His car is the same as his house; neat, clean, and immaculate. I smile a little, because clearly this guy either has an incredibly picky taste, (white and gray), or he just has none at all. Either way, I’m not sure why I find it funny.
“So… Sounds odd, I know, but where do you live?”
“What? Oh, uhm, down the block from Hallah’s Coffee and Tea, I’ll tell you when to turn.” I try not to look at him, try to call this off as normal. Because it is. Totally.
The drive was fast, and quiet. A comfortable quiet. Nevertheless, I was glad to see Hallah's come into view.
“First right after Hallah’s.” I say, pointing, and open my mouth again. Close it. Seriously rethink my life choices. “Are you doing anything for Christmas?” He turns into my set of apartments and I point towards mine.
“No.”
“Uhm. Do you want to maybe… I don’t know, I’d like for Azzy to meet Lele, uh, my cat.” I stare straight ahead, trying not to gag at myself. Trying even harder not to cringe. He stops the car and glances over at me, offering me a slight, goofy smile.
“I’d like that.” He turns away from me again, and I take it as my cue to leave. Hastily grabbing my things, I open the door and turn to thank Raiden. He offers me a slip of paper and I take it without thinking, murmuring my farewell.
It is only once he has already driven off and I am safe in my apartment, that I realize he just gave me his number.
Seven p.m. My place. Dinner. Cats. Raiden.
I have spent the past two hours cleaning my apartment, lighting the candles and fairy lights, and setting the table. I already know that he is not one for fanciful things or frilly decoration, but I hope that he will find this place as welcoming as I do. Maybe I’ve begun to go delusional. Oh well.
I didn’t have much time after that, so I made a quick pasta, warmed up my to-die-for garlic bread, and prepped some coffee. He mentioned bringing some food too. Maybe I shouldn’t-
The doorbell rings and there’s half a moment where I reconsider all of my life choices.
And then the door is open and I’m waving him inside.
I am so done for.
Azzy is the kind of cat I have always wanted. Not that Lele isn’t, she’s perfect in every way I can think of. But Lele is soft and gentle where Azzy is fun. The ginger tabby seems to have enough energy to take her to the moon and back. It makes me want to smile and never stop.
“But she’s so sweeeeeet,” I say, rubbing Azzy’s tummy and listening to her pur. Lele is off somewhere, looping around my feet at the bottom of the couch. Am I acting like the guest in my own house? Perhaps. But that’s only because Raiden insisted on warming up the food and plating it. I don’t need to be asked twice.
“She’s a real work of art. Did I mention she tore through almost four sets of sheets?” I laugh at that, because, yes, he has already mentioned it. Twice.
“I’d almost pay for Lele to be that fun.”
“The only thing you’d be paying for is new sheets.” He mutters and I can’t hold back my smile. How did a grumpy guy like him ever end up with such a sweetheart like Azzy? Although, at the same time, it seems to be perfect.
“Spice or no spice?” He asks, pulling out my plates. I can already imagine his smile, or frown, at the colorful dishware. Honestly I’m quite proud of my collection. No two plates are the same, and all of them are colorful or patterned or unique in some other way. Nothing like the rows of identical, austere dishware I saw at his house.
“Spice for sure,” I call back, already getting up with Azzy in my arms. When I reach my kitchen counter, he has somehow picked the two most boring plates out of my collection and piled them with food. It makes me want to laugh. Almost.
“So, how’d you meet my sister? She studied stage acting and you studied…” He squints at me as he sits down on the other side of the counter. Azzy jumps out of my arms and rolls over on the table, and he reaches out to touch her face softly.
“Psych, but I then went to become a psychiatric nurse. Pays better than straight therapy, you know.” The food is divine, and I’m suddenly glad this is where I am Christmas evening, not alone trying to figure life out. With a friend and a lot of cats. It isn’t all bad.
I blink myself out of my thoughts and look back up, catching Raiden watching me. “Are you… I don’t know, familiar with the people here?”
“Are you asking if I socialize or if I know names?” I raise my eyebrows. God, how’d I end up with an antisocial introvert?
“Do you socialize?” I scoff, thinking of all the awkward social events I could drag this man into. Not that I’m not socially awkward. It would be like… a learning experience for both of us.
“Of course I do. I work, you know? I have meetings. With people.” He says this as though it is the most obvious, easy thing ever. I try to hide my sigh. At this rate, I was starting to realize why Ceseliah loved going out and making friends if this was the kind of older brother she grew up with. “So, where’s your family gone for the holidays?”
I recoil before I can stop myself and withdraw my hands. I- The truth is none of my family had reached out. It didn’t matter, though, because I didn’t need them. Or at least that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself.
Raiden must have noticed my obvious tensing. “Sorry, you don’t have-”
“No, it’s fine. They haven’t talked to me since I- uh- I swapped majors without their consent. But, I mean, I was miserable in CS, and I knew they would never let me switch. Because, God forbid, their supposedly perfect daughter wants to do anything she wants. And my little sister just started up her new business and I couldn’t bring myself to go bother her because-” I cut myself off. Curse myself in my head. I seriously need to stop rambling. Just suck it in a little, I tell myself, taking a breath.
The psychology facts in my head tell me that my garrulous need to tell someone of my pains is due to neglect or lack of acceptance as a child. I know this, and yet I still cannot seem to accept it. I don’t need someone to listen to my self-pity or hurting. I can hear myself, can’t I? That’s good enough. It should be.
“Sorry I didn’t mean to-” I start, wrapping myself in a weak imitation of a hug.
“No, no, don’t apologize. That’s not fair. Not that I would want to spend Christmas with a family like that anyways.” I look up and he’s giving me the warmest look I can imagine on a face like his.
Gosh, I’ve found a person who smiles, if only because I am. How did I ever end up here?
“Yeah. I guess. Is Cese still staying with you?” I rub my eyes to stop any stray tears that might feel the need to make an appearance. They don’t.
“She went out to the club tonight. Said it wasn’t really Christmas without a few shots.” I laugh a little at that, because it is the most Ceseliah-anti-Raiden thing she could have ever done.
“I can’t say she’s wrong with that.”
Raiden throws me a scowl and I can’t help but cackle just a little.
He leaves late into the night, and when Azzy clings to me he promises to bring her back. I can’t help but tuck the promise in the folds of my heart as I press a kiss to Azzy’s furry little head.
I lean back into my sofa, still in awe of the night. Raiden was sweet, albeit a little grumpy. But he left me with all the food he’d brought along with a nicely packaged gift. And even though I don’t expect much more than a Starbucks gift-card and a card, it’s more than I could have hoped for this year.
Except when I drag myself up to grab the little back it’s not a gift card. Or a note. It’s a ceramic mug in the shape of a kitten the same colors of Lele. I don’t know if I want to laugh or cry, because how did I manage to snag myself a man like this?
Weeks go by and I start to lose my walls, the ones that told me that I was a strong, independent woman that needed nothing. Instead, I let him spoil me a little and bring back the shine to my smile, watching him smile back.
And soon the snow melts and thaws a little and the nights feel a little less long. Soon the air breathes with the warm promise of spring and the sky is blue.
