Do You Ever Feel Lonely?
And all of a sudden P.E. turned from the free social period to the how-do-I-stall-another-hour-without-seeming-suspicious-and-keep-my-grades-up-without-a-friend-group period.
“I’m too scared to try and talk to other people even when I know that it would make my life so much easier.”
Loneliness.
When you’re clawing and screaming on the inside, longing for someone to just be there. It's not a pleasant feeling.
In fact, I’d argue that it’s the worst emotion humans can feel: a mix of heartache, anxiety, and suffocation. Loneliness isn’t just being by yourself or in isolation; it’s when you’re forced to be alone against your will.
It’s when you’re in a class with nobody to talk and laugh with. When you’re in a crowd by yourself watching others have the time of their lives. I feel like I’m not even there. I feel like I could be an outcast spirit from another realm that was banished and cursed to not be seen.
I’ve always wondered how some people grow up in the same place in the same school but end up different. Some people are just magnets. I know a few that have so many friends they have trouble deciding who to sit with each day. I wish that were my problem. They're probably like, “Pfft. Loneliness? Never heard of it.” They don't experience their best friends forgetting they exist. They’ve never had to fight to get a sentence in.
I used to ask God, “Why me?”
At the start of 2024 was when I first started to really appreciate having friends in general. One of my best friends was forced to suddenly move to Canada due to her parent’s work, leaving me with literally no one in my last class. And all of a sudden P.E. turned from the free social period to the how-do-I-stall-another-hour-without-seeming-suspicious-and-keep-my-grades-up-without-a-friend-group period. It was the worst two months of my life. The WORST. I dreaded going to school every single day. I would breathe a sigh of relief and sprint to the locker room every time I heard that whistle. But hating a single period is just the beginning. Loneliness can lead to depression, a shortened life span, and a countless number of diseases.
Sometimes loneliness is very subtle, but other times it’s obvious when a person is frantically searching for someone, anyone to talk to. Last summer I was at this camp where I couldn’t talk to anyone. One of my now closest friends came up to me and invited me over during lunch and I still recall that overfilling sense of gratitude.
To answer the question, yes. Yes, I sometimes feel lonely. And most of the time I can’t do anything about it. I’m too scared to try and talk to other people even when I know that it would make my life so much easier. It’s just inevitable for people like me.
I’ll just keep pushing and hope that everything will eventually fall in place.
Works Cited
Shaer, Matthew. “Why Is the Loneliness Epidemic so Hard to Cure?” The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/2024/08/27/magazine/loneliness-epidemic-cure.html.
